I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
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Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire.
Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?