@Xalqee

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

You Might Also Like

@dmc1138

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

@EricGoldie

Good news: I learned how to build a fire.

Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.

@Mr_Kapowski

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

@Home_Halfway

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@mompsychologist

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

@shkeeber

I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

@jbfan911

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

@daemonic3

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?