@smithsara79

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

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@annabeloakes

My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!

@bobbiejo448

This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I’m pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.

@FattMernandez

When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I’m constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.

@NBrianJohnston

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@dave_cactus

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

@sixfootcandy

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

@Dawn_M_

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

@yerpalmildsauce

*noise*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is