[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

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My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!


This Xanax script says I should take one daily as needed but I’m pretty sure they meant per child so, including the dogs, that makes five.


When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I’m constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.


If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.


Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]


God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.


*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.


Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.


If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.


GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is