if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?


I’m just sayin’


I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.


It’s like my daddy always says…if you can’t beat ’em, arrange to have ’em beaten.


Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.


Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.


I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.


Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?


Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy


Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.


These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.