if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
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Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit