Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
You Might Also Like
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen