@Cheeseboy22

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

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@PajamaBenLaden

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@KKAlThani

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*

@NicestHippo

Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.

@Adam14

My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

@batkaren

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

@3sunzzz

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

@TheSharona06

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

@NigelGrinstead

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

@rolldiggity

I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.