If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
#Caturday
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan