If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

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*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*


*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*


Don’t worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won’t be able to find either


This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.


My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.


Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”


Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?


Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.


ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.


I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.