If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!

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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.


(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!


Me: … Well this is embarrassing


[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick


Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself


It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more