@coolbudy1998

If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!

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@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

@snarkymomtobe

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

@BobGolen

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@isabelzawtun

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more