If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
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Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.