If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

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SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches


Now that it’s nice out I can drive with my windows down and let the wind ripple my chins.


Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see


I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.


a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week


How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.


Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.