(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.