Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
You Might Also Like
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.