@Brianhopecomedy

If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I’d say, “Contact Him” while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.

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@chagger73

My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.

@ddsmidt

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

@PeachCoffin

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

@chrisdowning

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

@natalie2111

Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”

@WilliamRodgers

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

@TheHyyyype

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

@egg_dog

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot