If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad