If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”

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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png


bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!


“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”


My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.


How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?


do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify


I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.


GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
ME: damn


At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
G: *panicked look*


I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!