@SingleVixxen

If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”

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@HavocMantis

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

@TheHyyyype

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

@UncleDuke1969

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

@KateWhineHall

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

@pinningnut

I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.

@Chumpstring

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

@AimeeHelene1

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

@kidphonic

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!