If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.