i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.