@aveuaskew

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

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@ScaryMommy

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

@stewteee

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

@squirrel74wkgn

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

@good_one_rick

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

@brookeisgolden

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

@ElliotHetherton

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

@Mardigroan

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.