@aveuaskew

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

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@rxysurfchic

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

@2tonbug

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

@tastefactory

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

@JillBidenVeep

Not pictured: Joe waiting outside the door in his karate uniform ready to spring into action.

@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

@Book_Krazy

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@2tickytacky

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.