My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”
My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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Was it something I said?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Ref: Call it in the air..
Me: A QUARTER.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.