If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
When they try to steal your moment.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.