If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.

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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you


Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.


My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.


HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.


Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!


Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.


[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?


Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.


DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here