I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.