“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
the world’s most popular steaming services
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.