wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me :
All Day At Night
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.