If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
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When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me if I was a dog
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”