If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish