If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
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Owl Sanctuary
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Mad Max Arctic Road
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
dutch is not a serious language
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.