@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

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@georgeattherock

“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health

@Kyle_Lippert

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

@PaulyPeligroso

90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.

@PhilJamesson

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

@linanneblack

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.