“I’m going out”
• might be illegal now?
“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
90 years from now, they’ll sing songs about the courage and bravery you displayed during the great “Instagram Selling Your Photos” skirmish.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.