Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

😂😭

sure, why not

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances