People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready