we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Best mom ever 😂
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.