@thatdutchperson

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

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@badbanana

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

@truegritrumble

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

@skwint1

lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am

@hello_saylor

As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.

@geowizzacist

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

@PorkUrPine

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@JohnnyNami

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

@weinerdog4life

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

@PlopWaffle

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

@HLFHM

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power