@thatdutchperson

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

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@FattMernandez

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

@jellybnbonanza

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

@robdelaney

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

@BoogTweets

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

@Tommytoughstuff

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

@dmc1138

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.