Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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When are they going to invent a bath for people over 5’5”?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.