if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.