if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
October already? What’s next? November????
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
🛁
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments