If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

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15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.


Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way


Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?


My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison


my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits


Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…


me: i’d like help with my taxes

accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?

me: i’d say anxious

accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year

me: oh sorry, depressed


Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.