15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Where’s my cell?
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
You’ve just made a very lazy enemy my friend.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
me: i’d like help with my taxes
accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?
me: i’d say anxious
accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year
me: oh sorry, depressed
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.