If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
everyone’s a critic
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”