Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
If I could have any superpower, I would pick China.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas
5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner
10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
Date someone who:
• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman