Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
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Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now