@robo_junkie

If I could have any superpower, I would pick China.

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@shatty48

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

@BastardProphet

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

@TweetPotato314

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@AnkCoupleTO

1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas

5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner

10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@BackrowSeats

If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.

@roxiqt

Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman