I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
If I could have dinner with anybody, living or dead, I’d have pizza.
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I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
actors kiss each other for like 7 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 4 months
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Genie: You have three wishes
Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day
*all of my kids’ shoes are now velcro*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.