If I could have dinner with anybody, living or dead, I’d have pizza.

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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.


I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.


The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.


darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay


actors kiss each other for like 7 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 4 months


My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday


[rubbing lamp]

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day

Genie: Done!

*all of my kids’ shoes are now velcro*


I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.


Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.


Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.