Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
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[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I think I’m having a stroke
I’m about to risk it all
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”