If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Some people were born into their job.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
man i love columbo