If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.