If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
You Might Also Like
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing