If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…


If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.


[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.


[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.


– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7


13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.


When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.


*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*