@MooseAllain

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

@Dutch_50

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

@sofarrsogud

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

@fujichia

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

@SimplySnaccbar

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

@gerryhallcomedy

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

@Marlebean

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*