Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
ok this is my dumbest yet
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Bit chilly again tonight.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
haha same
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.