If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way