@packiejam

if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…

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@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

@SaraBWarf

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

@Hormonella

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

@oolah

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

@WilliamAder

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.