@JasonLastname

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

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@R0ckG0d88

A gag order but for people that go “ahhhh” after every sip of coffee.

@lawyerthoughts

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

@_Water_Baby

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@JB4Realz

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

@Home_Halfway

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

@imdumbledaddy

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@Whoizbad

Ya’ll a bunch of panicking morons for people who claim to want to die daily.

@PajamaStew

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that