If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

You Might Also Like


Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.


If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?


When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they’re saying, ‘I’m an idiot,’ over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.


me: i want to be inside of u so bad

gym manager: [through the glass] sir we’re not open


Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …


While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.


Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q


A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.


Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.