@Jason_Horton

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

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@OutOfLeftField_

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

@SteveSackington

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

@ShoutingGoddess

When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they’re saying, ‘I’m an idiot,’ over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.

@donttouchjames

me: i want to be inside of u so bad

gym manager: [through the glass] sir we’re not open

@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@Deurb1

While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.

@ninatreemonkey

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

@Darlainky

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

@Dutch_50

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.