If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
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Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?