John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
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I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?