If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
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co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
“What?”
– Jude
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”