If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Mornin
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”