If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”