If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

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My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.


Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.


Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something


In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature


BURGLAR: Look at all these pizza boxes. He must eat it every day.

ME (hiding in closet): Yeah, or maybe he threw a cool party with friends.


It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv


I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.