Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My therapist cries “Why me?” for the full hour.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.