@metafroth

If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

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@erichwithach

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

@Tups13

Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.
I have lots of good stories like this.

@zachbdunn

Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something

@duckpuppet

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature

@P_o_n_k

BURGLAR: Look at all these pizza boxes. He must eat it every day.

ME (hiding in closet): Yeah, or maybe he threw a cool party with friends.

@DinkMagic

It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv

@MarieColette

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.