Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*