@metafroth

If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

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@jerm1991

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@LRenceFivvens

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

@BunAndLeggings

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

@funflaps

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.