If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.