If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”