If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[first day as a train conductor]
coworker: you the new guy?
me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing
me: so far this job is off the rails
me: so what do you guys do to let off steam
coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can’t remember the lyrics.
[stand-up comic bombing]
Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts
Comic: Oh ok you’ve heard that one before.
I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Goes to church to find God’s love. Friendzoned.