Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five