@Stellacopter

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

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@JayUhOh

Five chickens leave Topeka traveling west at 25 mph. Please help me find them chickens. Those are my chickens.

@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@GorillaNipples1

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

@david8hughes

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

@WittySassBasket

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

@NewDadNotes

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

@KeetPotato

[emergency dentist appointment]
dentist: what seems to be the problem?
me: my teeth [turns to nurse] is this guy new?

@Cpin42

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.