If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
My warrants are pretty outstanding.